The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
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If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.