I can’t stop laughing at this
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You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
*limbos under the caution tape
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Don’t we all.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.