getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
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The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?