If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
real
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.