When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
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WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows