Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
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I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
just got my engagement photos
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.