It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
BRO LMFAO
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying