Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
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Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Match dot com, but for socks.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.