I’d love this before and after shot…lol
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One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old