[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
This guy’s not having it 😆
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda