After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
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toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.