[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
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So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
This is my brand.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”