I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
You Might Also Like
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Meow?
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.