Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
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I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese