The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
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A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.