A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
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Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.