Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
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If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right