Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
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“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Woke up against my better judgement again
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?