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Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
happy friday
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
🤣😂