My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
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Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
The answer is funnier than the question
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.