always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
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“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”