The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
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My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I don’t make the rules sorry
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant