Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
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I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
this is the news I live for
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.