[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
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Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.