HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
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The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.