Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
You Might Also Like
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Möther may I have a snäck
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.