I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
he chose this
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
we all know this pain all too well
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet