[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
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This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
blocked.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.