4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
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There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears