If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
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shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.