Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
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What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
He’s dead
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
*puts words between two asterisks*
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
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