House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
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Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
new career option?
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I put the p in pants.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.