When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
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TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Flock of bats
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
New menu item
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.