For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
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This made me chuckle.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Fidel Castro was alive?
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant