[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
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Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Breaking news:
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.