on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
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Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room