If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
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[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Denise please return my vape pen
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
*lint rolls you awake*
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…