“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
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We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer