I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
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2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder