There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.