*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
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The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.