HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
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I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
mentally somewhere in italy
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now