Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
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Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you