Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
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I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
yeet
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I WON A HAM TODAY
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else