My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
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Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.