I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
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I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.