yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
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If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F