If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
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Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
There is no “we” in pizza
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake