[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
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These are my emotional support Pringles.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Just this preview of the story is enough
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?