Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
You Might Also Like
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Breaking news:
When you’re Kinky but poor
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados